A Letter to Myself During This Time of Change

Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. -Proverbs 4:23

Dear Self,

Life has changed rapidly in just a few months and it is okay to feel unsettled. Feeling unsettled doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong or that things are not exactly how they need to be. It just means that you are feeling the reality of life, the growing pains of change.

Your oldest child left for college, you went back to teaching full time, your twins are in different classes at school for the first time, you rescued a cat and lost a dog traumatically. You went from seeing a counselor twice a week to asking that same counselor to leave your life in a pretty traumatic turn of events. You went from spending almost every day outside in nature to spending days at a time not being outdoors more that just walking to and from your car.

I know that you do not understand the purpose of all of this change yet. The water is still settling and you cannot see the bottom. I know that it drives you crazy to feel so unsettled and so uncomfortable but you are making your way through. I also know that you have been too busy with work to process some of this stuff. Maybe that is also as it should be? I do not know.

It is really hard in uncertain times to trust your heart and to trust that you will make it through all of the changes and be okay. That your heart won’t always be broken, that you won’t always feel so lost and sad, and that it wont always be this hard. It is hard to believe that these growing pains are leading you to a better place, or maybe just a different place where you will have a new normal. It is hard to feel uncertain and uncomfortable and to struggle with your confidence in yourself, but it is a normal feeling when experiencing dramatic changes in your life.

So trust your heart to the voice that told you to follow that path. It never said that it would be an easy path. Trust your heart to heal after loss and trauma as it has done so many times before. Trust that though your child is out of your home and on her own path, that you will continue to roll with the evolution of her life and remain a touchstone for her. Trust that you had the counselor you needed when you needed him and that others will come when they are needed also. Trust that what other people are going through in their own lives doesn’t have to involve you and that you can be as involved as you choose to be, for your own health and sanity.

Most of all trust your heart to lead you through the murky water until it settles and things become more clear. Be grateful for the chance to grow again and to embrace change (even if it is soooooo beyond uncomfortable). But also trust yourself to protect your heart from negativity, from abuse and pain, and from those who don’t see your worth and your value. Trust that you will know what to do and when to do it and that you can face great pain without shutting down your heart of compassion for others.

Go outside everyday. Pet every dog you see. Show up every day, be present, and do your best. Be grateful for phone calls and Snapchats when they come. Love on your family. Let people help you. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and to process the changes and the losses. They are real and they are affecting you. Lean into your HIgher Power for strength when you don’t have any, love when you feel alone, guidance when you feel lost, and for comfort when none of it makes sense.

Love,

Me

Leaving The Nest

This was my first article I ever wrote to be published on theodyssey.com/selflovebeauty on August 29, 2016. I can’t believe it has been three years and my baby heads off to Michigan State in a few weeks. Now it will be me loading the car and sending her off. More thoughts on this later but for now enjoy my old post.

Will my child be ready for college?

Today I was out running and decided to do a cool down lap. As I got closer to a neighbor's house I noticed a U-Haul trailer behind their SUV. The dad came out of the house carrying a flat screen TV and his son followed carrying a homemade Green Bay Packers fleece blanket. I yelled "Stealing TVs again?" and they laughed.

"Stealing a lot more than TVs" the son yelled back.

I kept running around the circle and passed another neighbor trying to shove one more thing in the back of her SUV. I couldn't see anything but crap stuffed in around a couch. The daughter was sitting on the floor of the garage with headphones on, packing stuff in boxes.

Maybe because I had been running and was too distracted with feeling like I might die at any minute but it didn't occur to me what was happening at the first house. However, when I saw the second car packed up, I realized it was college move in weekend. For the first time ever it occurred to me in a real way that my child will be heading off to college in a few years.

She is starting tenth grade this year, so I have some time, but I couldn't help but feel fear. Is she going to be ready? Will she make it on her own? Have we been preparing her? Where will she go?

I am having the same small panic attacks at the thought of my 5-year-old twins going to kindergarten this year. I started panicking that I haven't started a new school bedtime routine yet and I didn't get to do everything I ever wanted to do with them before they went off to school for five full days a week.

So I had to have a little talk with myself. I often have to remind myself not to panic and let the 'what if's' control my mind.

For my fifteen-year-old daughter, I was thinking to myself; Did we spoil her?; Does she know how to use a rape whistle and pepper spray?; Does she know what meth is and how to say no?; Can she handle herself at a raging party?; Can she do laundry and cook anything?; And boys...oh my goodness, unsupervised time with boys, will she ever be able to make it without us?

Then I immediately thought to myself, that stuff doesn't matter. I know in my heart all that matters is that she knows we love her. It matters that she knows she is an awesome person and that she can trust herself. It matters that she knows when to ask something bigger than herself (God, the universe, whatever she chooses to believe in) to guide and help her on her path. It matters that she has a tribe of people that love and support her no matter what she does or doesn't do.

My body started to relax and the pit in my stomach softened. She has all of that stuff already. I've spent my life for the past 15 years teaching her that she was awesome.

How did I teach that? My eyes lit up when she came in the room. I told her I missed her when she was gone. I went to her art shows and dance performances, plays, cross country and track competitions. I hung her artwork on my wall and kept macaroni portraits of me in my nightstand. I took her paper doll she made me with me to Italy and took pictures with it everywhere. I made her special breakfasts during school testing.

I've spent the last 15 years hugging, kissing, cuddling, and loving on her. I leave her encouraging notes and I give her homemade cards. I tell her I love her every night, so that she doesn't have to wonder how I feel about her.

She has watched me struggle with faith and religion. I've been honest with her about the struggle but let her know that I believe in something bigger than me. I believe we are protected and guided and loved. I have a spiritual practice that she sees me practice daily and she respects it. I have told her that I would join any church or practice any faith she wanted to support her in her spiritual journey. She has her own and I'm not even sure what it is. I trust her and I know it fulfills her.

Her friends are amazing and so are mine. Our tribe is strong. It consists of family, friends, community, and school. When I go to the honors assembly at school, I see the familiar faces of all her friends there too because they all support each other and expect each other to do well. When we go to cross country meets or track meets, I'm inspired by how they support each other and lift each other up. Those teams even encouraged me to start running for the first time in my life at 38. Her friends don't even drink soda because they want to be healthy (what???). Our families come to every birthday party and important life event for us. We have a tribe and I know that she will seek that out no matter where she is because that is what she has lived.

Please don't mistake all these good things for perfection. We've had our share of challenges in life and made plenty of mistakes. But I'm thankful for this day, even for my mini-panic attacks, because it forced me to look at the reality of our life. The good and the bad. There are things we need to work on like budgets, driving, and independent living skills. I am thankful that I have more time with her. I am thankful that there will be more lessons for both of us. It is an honor watching her grow and I can't wait to see who she will be when she finally does leave the nest and start off on her own.

She will be ready and I will be ready.