Why reality is so much better than the fantasy.
This can be a time of year when I find myself comparing, judging, berating, questioning, and longing, mostly to myself about myself. I didn’t start my shopping early enough. I forgot to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater that fits me (I grew out of last years-another reason for despair). I didn’t get to the light show yet. I didn’t book any breakfasts with Santa. Nothing is wrapped. I didn’t contribute to the school Christmas party. I could go on and on.
This time of year can be very confusing and very difficult. I find myself setting expectations and then being disappointed by reality. I enjoy a good Hallmark movie every now and then but it also sets me up for feeling like something is missing from the season. I will not be attending a holiday party in a glittery dress, with heels and mistletoe. I missed my work party because I was cooking pancakes with 47 third graders learning about states of matter. I left with a ten pound bag of flour, a fleece vest covered in batter, and a strong desire to nap. Not very Hallmarky.
We went to Frankenmuth the other weekend and it was great. We went to Bronner’s (the largest Christmas store), shopped, ate dinner. Very Christmassy, but definitely not the stuff of Hallmark. Bronner’s was so packed that we had to have family buddies so as not to lose a child. The restaurant was so full that we had to eat in the basement in a room they threw together for overflow and had a very limited menu. The shops were great but my children were annoyed with shopping after the second one and there were constant complaints and whining until we finished. We bribed them with cupcakes to get to stop at the outlet stores on the way home but even cupcakes didn’t stop the North Face outlet meltdown that required a 10 minute cuddle on the bench outside.
My point? Life is messy. It is filled with the good, the bad, the real. I don’t need to compare my life and my experience to television. Television is someone’s dream scenario, brought to life by hundreds of people (and dollars) behind the scenes (even reality t.v.). I may not have made it to my work Christmas party because of the pancake making lesson, but I got 47 hugs and was told by a fifth grader that I’m cool because I used pancakes to teach science.
I may not have gotten presents bought and wrapped before Thanksgiving but do you know what I did do? I stayed present to my family. I spent week nights helping my son learn to read. I created more space for my husband and I to connect, talk, and build up our relationship. I attended recovery meetings. I met up with friends. I met with a therapist and worked on healing the trauma of my past so I could heal, feel, move on and be present to my life and the people in it. I created hats. I put them up for sale. I painted. I created a logo for a business and sold it to them. I wrote and I shared my experience, strength and hope.
I helped my daughter reconnect with family members and supported her through that. I helped her process some of the realities of her life and past. I cried with her, laughed with her, and sat with her. I was fully present for her. I helped her celebrate choosing a college and start preparing for that part of her life. I took her to visit her college again so she could be sure.
I held down the fort while my husband worked hard and had a lot of business trips. I did laundry, cooked, cleaned, decorated for the holidays, took kids to football games, fed the dog, showered my children, etc. It is not romantic but this is the stuff of real life. It is what it takes to stay afloat everyday. It is the real magic of life.
So today I’m sitting on the couch with my dog curled up asleep next to me. I have a cup of coffee and a crackling fire going in the fire place. I’m writing my blog and it almost feels like the scene from a movie. Except that before I got to this spot on the couch I had to check in with my husband to make sure we are connected today before we go off on our separate paths, get two kids fed, clothed, medicated, and dropped off to school with a wrapped teacher gift, pick up a pile of dog poop from my dog who rang his bell to go out while I was outside gathering packages that had arrived for Christmas, and answer two texts from my high school daughter.
This is life. This is the reality. There is work to be done to have moments of calm. There are responsibilities to be met and people around you with needs. There is always something. I used to resent this so much. I used to think that there were people that lived differently. That didn’t have all this hard, real stuff to do all the time. But it isn’t true. I remember seeing an Instagram post of Gayle King’s showing a video of Oprah cleaning up dog poop from her bedroom floor-saying even Oprah has to clean up poop, and it made me so happy deep down inside. No one was having a Hallmark movie night at Bronner’s last weekend. We were all just doing our best not to lose it and stay cheerful. It is what it is.
So cheers to all the holiday warriors out there today who are trying their best to deal with the realities of life. To feel their feelings, to set their boundaries, to give to those they love but save something for themselves too. To those struggling to put gifts under the tree or just trying to find the time to wrap the ones you bought already. To those struggling to find a moment to breathe, let alone go to breakfast with Santa. It’s okay. You can let those expectations go.
Christmas is coming whether or not you are cheerful. Whether or not presents are bought or wrapped. Whether or not you had time to bake, and whether or not you get out your sparkly party dress or stay in your sweats all day and night. It will pass and it will be what it is. The next day will be about cleaning up, cooking, walking the dog, and yes, probably picking up something that you would rather not.
The real gift is to find contentment in the ordinary, in the truth, in the reality. I struggle this time of year with sadness, with loss, with trauma, with responsibility, with expectations, with spending money, with guilt. I can’t help the feelings I have. But what I can do is share them. I can look into someones eyes and say, this sucks and I’m upset. I need help and I need comfort. And if you have at least one person in your life that will accept that request for help and comfort, that will see you in your raw feelings and not leave you, you have a Hallmark movie already. You have love, connection, care, and safety. It is the only gift that will really satisfy you. It is the only gift that allows you to accept all that other crap, because you know you are not alone.
If you are thinking just now that you are alone and you do not have that support person in your life because they left you, or died, or are apart from you for some reason, do not despair. You do have the one person who is always with you no matter what, yourself. Mirrors can be sat in front of to find that pair of eyes that will take in your pain and requests for comfort. Arms can be wrapped around oneself, hands can be placed on hearts, and compassion and support given to ourselves. Blankets can warm, books can be friends, and paper can hold expression. I have learned this year that I can do all of these things for myself if I just take the time to be present to me.
I wish you all love, warmth, reality, acceptance, and a sense of humor about dog (or toddler) poop!
Carie