But life had other plans for me.
I was talking with a friend the other day and she said something that made me stop and think. She was talking about two events in her life that caused her to identify as something she never wanted to be and she said that she never planned on joining these clubs, but here she was a member. I started to think about what clubs I was a part of that I never imagined I would be. It was a big reminder to me that life happens and all we can do is our best. We cannot control everything, actually we can control almost nothing except our own behavior.
I never imagined that I would join the divorce club or the single mom club. When I got married in my early 20's I planned to stay that way forever (hence the vows and stuff). I had no intention of ever joining that club. The fear of that club caused me to accept a lot of unacceptable behavior from my partner. I was willing to accept it to stay in the married club, I had picked that club, that was my club I joined and they were going to have to kick me out to get me out. Well after enough years of unacceptable behavior I found that the reasons for the unacceptable behavior put me in a new club, the club of families and friends who love alcoholics or addicts and don't know what to do about it. I was not thrilled. Not the club I would have picked, I would have picked the perfect family club. But it helped me come to terms with the divorce club.
Joining the loving and addict/alcoholic club has turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened in my life. I've learned how to take care of myself around any active addiction. I've learned that I'm not in charge of the world, usually not even my own, but that something bigger and more powerful than me is. I can relax and trust. I am surrounded by people who are safe, loving, supportive, and who held me up through the hardest decisions and life events so far in my life. It was a gift, that club, but I couldn't see that at first.
The single mom club is an interesting club. On the one hand, I felt a freedom from the day to day unhealthy interactions with my ex-spouse, but on the other hand, it was just me 24/7. This club taught me that I'm the strongest person I know and that it is freaking exhausting to be that strong all the time. Single moms (or dads but I'm not in that club so I can't speak for them) are bad asses. They are raising children, keeping jobs, maintaining households, and making time for friends and dates and family-all while communicating the best they can with the father of their children about schedules, sports, school, issues, and common goals. I cannot stress how hard this is. People like to look at a single mom out on the town on a weekend and say, must be nice to get every other weekend without your kids to go out without a babysitter. No, it is not. You have to split up your time with your children, they have to live somewhere else for part or half of their childhood. It is difficult. Especially if the person you left, you left because of their unacceptable behavior. How do you not worry? How do you communicate effectively with someone so that you can feel good and safe and confident that your child will be safe and cared for. I was not part of the conscious uncoupling club...I was part of the messy, complicated divorce club that involved the state telling me what I had to do with my child, without choices really. That involved addiction. That involved inappropriate behavior, deceit, and anger. I did not like this club.
I did learn a lot being a part of the single mom club though. I learned my strength. I learned about laws and courtrooms and lawyers. I learned about making the most of the things I could control. I had to always find my power in a situation that seemed out of my hands. I learned to protect myself and taught my child how to protect herself too. We both learned that we always had choices and that protecting ourselves was always the right choice. I learned how to create a really creative budget with less money to pay bills than bills to pay. We learned how to be happy with almost nothing. I learned how to fix plumbing, paint houses, repair windows, groom dogs, move furniture alone, and many other useful skills. The two most important lessons I learned from the single mom club were that I am enough, I had enough strength, love, patience, and guts to do it; and that I could also ask for help and lean on those that loved and supported me.
The mother of a child who lost her dad club is my least favorite club that I belong to. I don't have an upside or a silver lining to this club. It is the worst and I hope none of you have to tell your young child ever that their parent is gone. I can't forget that day and having to tell her those words. Having to break her heart. And then having to watch her heart be broken everyday after that day knowing that there is nothing you can do to fix or make better that kind of heartbreak. I learned that all I could really do was hold her. Let her cry. Reassure her that it wasn't her fault, she didn't do anything wrong and that I loved her beyond words. What I learned and continue to learn from this club is that we can do the hardest things. That the worst thing we imagine won't kill us but that we do need to find a way to live through it and after it.
I'm a member of the #MeToo club. I'm still accepting this membership and coming to terms with it. It used to be a secret club that women knew about but didn't talk about. I think the fact that it is now being talked about is amazing and wonderful and terrible. I wonder all the time if I will ever get comfortable accepting my membership in this club I didn't choose or if shame will always burn white hot in my stomach every time I speak it or write it. I'm sure some of you are feeling the same way. Relief followed by the burning shame. This club also sucks and I also wish for membership to start declining. What I am learning from it is that shame is powerful and that predators know that and use that to keep victims silent. I'm learning that shame can't survive forever in the open and in the light. So I'll keep admitting my membership until the shame fizzles out (please be soon!)
If I had been in charge of my life, these clubs would not have me as a member, but alas I'm not in charge. Just like my friend did not get to choose her clubs. I know that you too have clubs you have been forced into joining that you would not have chosen, that is okay. What I've learned is that accepting your membership opens the door to learning from the experience. Even the clubs I hate have taught me something. I have to be willing to look for the good (or at least the not awful). There is no way to know if your membership could have been avoided and usually once you join, you are a lifetime member. So embrace your clubs. Feel your feelings about them (yes even those really angry ones) and then look for the gifts in it. It is perfectly acceptable for the gift part to come long after initial membership. Take your time.
What clubs do you belong to that you never would have picked?