Sometimes I Get Lost. It's Okay. I Always Find My Way Back Eventually.
I haven't written on this blog since April. It makes me sad because this blog was a promise to myself that I would write. Not write in my journal, not write in private, but write out loud. I got lost. I felt the need to protect and stay closed. That is okay. It happens sometimes. So, I'm writing today not because I have nothing else to do, not because I have something amazing to say, but because I am loving and honoring myself.
This picture above is me. Only mascara on me. Gray roots showing me. Freckles, soooo many freckles me. Weigh more now than I ever have when I wasn't pregnant me. Sometimes I find her hard to look at. She isn't what I thought we would be. I imagined her thin, without gray hair, and since a child I wished for my freckles to fade over time instead of taking over my body with a vengeance. The truth is that I look tired a lot. I have a double chin and my belly makes my yoga pants roll down without my permission. If I let it go, I would have a full head of gray hair and probably a full mustache (the struggle is real, ladies!) It takes a lot for me to look in the mirror each day and to not judge the person I am against who I thought I would be. Sometimes I want to hide. So I posted it. Not fishing for compliments but to show myself the truth, and that even though I do not look like I wish, I am beautiful and there is no one else like me.
I'm on this self-love journey and it is not easy. Learning to love and accept me without judgement just feels weird. If I stop judging me won't I let myself go? Won't I turn into a chubby, tired, gray haired lady in yoga pants? Oh wait-that is who I am now-even with all the judgement. See, it didn't stop me from being any of the things I feared, in fact, I'm positive that it contributed greatly. Judging myself makes me feel bad, feeling bad makes me want to eat chocolate, chips, and chicken wings. Judging myself makes me feel like I'm supposed to be fixing myself and that keeps me up at night. Then I look tired-I am tired! Judging myself saps the joy out of my life because I don't deserve the good stuff until...until I lose the weight, wax the stache, hide the gray, etc.
Maybe I'm just getting old, but I'm tired of this way of living. I'm tired of thinking I need to change to enjoy life. That I need to judge to motivate. It isn't working. Not for my relationship for myself or for my relationships with others. ALL of this applies to my relationships with others too. I cannot withhold until. I cannot force change. I cannot punish to improve. Ugh...this is not how I thought it all worked.
Love. Love is the answer. Love and acceptance. I accept that today it has taken me countless hours of coffee and sitting to be ready to face the day. I accept that the clothes I will put on today have a size written in them that makes me feel less than, but I can still think my butt looks smokin' in them. I can rock my gray roots and know that they will go away tomorrow, but that I'm not any better tomorrow than today. I can accept that I'm going to give all that I can give today and that it is enough. Even if it is just writing a blog post, getting two kids to an appointment, and finally finding a frickin' Fed Ex store that can write me a receipt in this small town.
The last four months I have been struggling. Hiding. Grasping, avoiding, learning, trying, confronting, then hiding again. All of that is okay. What is not okay is denying myself the promise that I made to myself to write. To write out loud, no matter what comes out. To connect with the world and the people in it by telling my truth. Thanks for reading.
"If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist will answer you: I am here to live out loud." - Emile Zola