Image credit: Google Images
I did the best I could today. It was not my favorite day. I’ve been feeling shame about it and I’ve been down about it, but I really did do the best I could. So what is the point of continuing to feel bad? I don’t know. I’m going to try to stop that, but even if I can’t-still the best I could do today.
I have been having a hard time with sleeping a full 6-8 hours at night. I’ve been having a hard time getting to sleep, having anxiety at night, and my C-PAP machine keeps malfunctioning on me, so I have not used it for a full night in a few nights. It will get condensation in the tube and start spewing the moisture into my nose while making the sound of a coffee pot next to a microphone.
So last night I got about 2 and ½ hours of sleep before I had to be up with the kids. After I dropped them off, I lay down on the couch and slept until about 2 p.m.. Sounds like an amazing nap, but it was without my machine, so I woke with a headache and a sore throat. I didn’t think I would sleep nearly that long or I would have went to my bedroom.
I knew I needed the sleep but felt so ashamed of wasting the day sleeping. I cried. I was shaking when I woke up because I hadn’t eaten anything all day since 7 a.m.. I had lunch and started my day at 3 p.m.. I was feeling so much shame that I decided to reach out to a mentor for a little moral support. They assured me that all was well and that there was no shaming needed. They also reminded me to celebrate the small victories of today.
So, even though I did not sleep well and spent most of my day making up that sleep, I did allow myself to sleep instead of barging through my day on 2 hours of sleep (which is what I used to do). I started a new wellness program with a mentor and met my goals for that for the day. I got my emails sent and answered for my job. I walked the dog and started laundry. And I’m writing my blog, which I promised myself I would do today. I’ve cried when I wanted to cry and I’ve laughed and loved with my kids when I wanted to. I plan to eat dinner as a family and to have a restful night at home before attempting to put myself to bed at a reasonable time tonight. But if I don’t, that is okay too.
I also spent my sleeplessness watching the documentary “Surviving R. Kelly” and I feel good about that. It was hard to watch. It was necessary to watch. I am a survivor. I also have not purposefully listened to an R. Kelly song since the early 2,000’s. Just like Chris Brown, I refuse to support someone who abuses women-proven or not in a court of law. I feel proud of myself for having listened to my gut all those years ago and believing women. I am sure that watching that series has contributed to the uneasiness and shame I am feeling today also. It is all connected.
So I’m going to leave you with my mentor’s words:
“All good-go easy on yourself and enjoy your little successes today.”