Random Ramblings of a Woman

Freedom

I want and crave it so much. I am learning to give it to myself. Freedom from expectations. Freedom from should have’s and could have’s. I want freedom from the ties that bind me to unhealthy relationships. I want freedom from the ties of traditional thinking. I want freedom from the way it has always been. I want freedom to dream new ways of being and for new ways for everything to be. The freedom to be imperfect and the freedom to learn as I go. I want and need the freedom to be any size, shape, and condition I need to be at the moment in my body and my mind. I need to be able to be all of me. Even the parts that people don’t like, I won’t hide them anymore. I want to say my favorite color is black and not purple and that doesn’t make me a vampire or emo or dark. I just love black. It is the most beautiful. I taught my youngest daughter that it was okay to declare that but didn’t allow myself to declare it-until now. I want to be an imperfect parent and be allowed grace for that. I want the freedom to not be perfect sometimes. I want to skip a meeting, be late on a deadline, and not kill myself trying to look like I always have it together. FREEDOM. I want to change my mind. I want to not wear makeup. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to be out adventuring and exploring even though it can get scary. I want to throw my heart into the arena even though so many will step on it and not see its goodness. And then I want to cry about that and still know that I am strong. I want to be a weirdo. I am a weirdo. I like most weirdos as long as they are not hurtful.

Fat

I just want to let myself be fat for now. I want to be completely unbothered by it. I want to acknowledge that the only part of me that cares is the part of me that wants you to think I look good or attractive or healthy. I do not feel unhealthy. I could maybe be a little bit more active as in strength training and endurance but as far as being active, I am. I go hiking. I go swimming. I go bike riding. I play sports with my kids. I cook, clean, work, dance, and am able to do anything I want to do. My body is thriving. I do not have high blood pressure, diabetes, pain, or anything that tells me I need to change my body, except a number on a scale and a chart called a BMI. I don’t smoke, drink, or overconsume caffeine. I eat balanced meals and I don’t restrict my choices. I like chocolate but I don’t eat it for lunch. I like fast food but only for those days when we need food fast. I am a good cook and I eat my vegetables (most of them). I love fruit and I love salad. I am relatively strong and I move a lot. Can we just stop telling people that skinny is healthy? I know some skinny people that are living on a fifth of vodka, oreos, and cheetos. They have high blood pressure, no endurance and rotting teeth. If you put the two of us side by side and asked the public who was healthier, most would pick the skinny person. Skinny equals healthy right? Enough about that. I love myself and I feel pretty good. I’ll loose weight if I want to but this weight has come for a reason. Stress, hormone and bodily changes, trauma response, and actually listening to and feeding my body. I used to eat a snickers and drink a mountain dew for lunch after I smoked a cigarette or two. Now I eat a salad and drink water. I weigh more now because I actually feed myself three meals a day.

Mouthy and Bossy

I’m tired of being quiet and suffering in silence. I’m getting mouthy and bossy in my old age and I love it. I have a long way to go because I have been trained so well to be nice and quiet. I am starting to speak up, to question, and to let people just deal with it. I don’t want to hide my real feelings just to spare yours. I am done with that. Glennon Doyle writes in “Untamed” that she will disappoint everyone one else before she ever disappoints herself again. I have taken it as my goal. Me over you. Not that I don’t love you and care what you have to say, but if I need to disappoint myself and dishonor myself for you to be happy or accepting of me, I don’t need you. If you would have me do that to myself, you do not honor and love me either. So we might get into it once in a while. I might stand up for myself and say things that you don’t want to hear. I won’t tolerate people that prefer me to be small and quiet and not have an opinion. I want to be the boss of my life and I want to say what I want to say, how I want to say it. I’m not mean, but I will say what I mean. I think that eventually, people will feel safe around me because I will be direct and they won’t need to wonder where they stand.

Energy

I have really been trying to pay attention to who and what I give my energy to. I find that some people and some things are really worth the energy expelled because they give it right back. Most of the time I feel this way about my children, my pets, and my close friends. I am always looking for people who can match my energy. Not that we always need to match energy, but that we balance out in the energy exchange. There is give and take but I never feel like you are sucking the life out of me. I am so tired of energy drainers. Those people and things that attach themselves to your energy flow and take it for themselves. For these people and things, there is never enough. They will take and take, living off of you like a parasite and they will not notice or care that you are getting weaker. They are here for themselves. You feel good to them and they are not worried about how you feel. I took so long to learn this about people and things. I thought all interactions were give and take, and that if you gave enough, it would soon be your turn to take. It has been a hard lesson to have given and given and then when it was time for me to withdraw, the account was empty and there was nothing there for me to have. Work can be this way if I am not careful with my giving. Friendships can be this way if I am not careful with my choices of who I spend my time with. Family can be this way if you do not have boundaries and agreements. I get so confused sometimes when I’m bursting with energy and there seems to be so many around that want to be with me and around me but when I need a refuel or a kind word, or a bit of attention the rooms are empty, the texts are unread or not responded to or the plans are canceled. I used to blame myself for being needy. Now I know that I just mistook energy attachers for real connection and relationship. I mistook fair weather friends for ride or die friends. I mistook attention and excitement for care and concern. It’s okay. Some lessons can only be learned through repeated experience. The lesson I’ve taken from all of this is to protect my energy. I need to watch and wait for people to show how they will show up for me in life. Will they be in that room when it is darkness instead of sunshine? Will they think of me when I can’t be who they were hoping I would be? Will they provide the energy sometimes when I need a rest or do they just show up when I have it to give?

Thanks for letting me ramble. I had a lot going on upstairs this morning and I’m glad to have a space to think it out through writing. Life is so wild. I never could have planned for any of this but I love it so. Love to all of you, especially me ;)

A Sacred Letter To Myself

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver

I wrote a while ago about a trip I took to Malibu and how it was a spiritual awakening for me. I would love to update the story and say that everything since then has been just as magical and that I am on the path being skyrocketed into a new life. It is not so. I am on a path, but it is covered with long overgrown weeds, rough terrain, and sometimes reluctant travel partners. It rains and snows on this path and sometimes I'm not really traveling at all. 

This weekend there was a crazy ice/snow storm that hit my town. Travel was not advised. I took this mostly to heart and haven't been out much over the last few days. I've spent my time watching television with my family, sharing meals, relaxing, journaling, and reading. I continued deeper into a book I started reading by Dr. Tererai Trent called "The Awakened Woman". Dr. Trent writes about sacred dreams, sacred writing, and sacred community among women. She encourages you to do an exercise at the end of each chapter with a ritual. I wrote my sacred dream last night. I will do the ritual later and I also have a feeling it won't be the last or only time I write a sacred dream. Part of the book that hits me the most is how she talks about sharing our story. It is how we grow and how we help others to think about their sacred dreams. 

I found myself sitting in my chair, writing in my journal and reading my books this morning and I felt the pull between my sacred dream and my fear. I decided to write myself a letter. I'm sharing it here so that you can use it if you need it. Take what you like and leave the rest. 

April 16, 2018

Girl, 

What are you waiting for? Life is not guaranteed and time is always passing! Get in there-make the life you want. Create it! Demand it! Know that it is achievable. No more sadness, you have spent too many years in sadness. No more depression and feeling stuck, down, and defeated. You have experienced a different way and you can have it again. 

Know your power. Feel that deep divine feminine energy within you and demand that it be recognized. Demand that it be seen, heard, and honored. 

No, you don't know everything, but you for damn sure know a lot. You have experienced so much and you have so much to give to the world. Believe in yourself. Look at what you have already done in your forty short years on this Earth. 

Malibu was your life. It happened. You felt it. You lived it. You experienced it and you helped create it. Do it here. Do it now in your life. No one is going to do it for you. If your fellow travelers do not want to travel with you than you must be willing to go it alone. There is not a way for you to live in the old space, you have already left it. Don't leave anyone behind in anger or resentment, just know that not traveling this road is not an option for you. Go forward knowing you are moving toward the life you are meant to live. The one that felt so good to be in. 

Go girl! Stop thinking and start doing. Yes there are hurts and feelings and ties to the old road that pull you constantly. Yes you are scared. Yes this road is new and unfamiliar and you aren't sure you know where you are going or where it will take you. DO IT ANYWAY! 

Sleep. Rest. Eat well. Take good care of your body. Move and build strength. Pray. Ask for help and support. Do not leave your backpack of tools, you will need them on this journey, take them with you. Be willing to fight for the life you need. The life you know you can have because you felt it, you experienced it. Be willing to do whatever it takes because there is no other choice. 

You weren't meant to stay in place. You were meant to change and travel new places. You lived the lives you had up to this point well. You did the best you could and look at the places you went that you never even dreamed of. You let them all go when it was time and it is time again. Where to? Who knows? 

Take a deep breath. Line up your village. Hold on to the strong hands of those who have traveled this road and who know the way. I know you are scared but you have to trust. The train has left the station and you are tired from running alongside it trying to decide if you should get on or not, if it was even the right train. Honey, it is your train, it has left the station, get on. You cannot push it back to the station and ask it to wait till you are ready. Get on the train. Enjoy the trip. Let yourself dream about the destination. Invite others on the journey. 

You have what it takes. You are a big, powerful, beautiful, strong woman. Go make your life what you want it to be!