The Mental Load

If you have been reading my posts or checking in with me in person, you might have gathered that I have been on the struggle bus. I recently described it to some friends as feeling like Charlie Brown with a rain cloud following me wherever I go. I do not want to be in eternal rain cloud land but wherever I go, there it is. Thankfully this isn’t my first rain cloud rodeo and I know that rain clouds don’t last forever, I cannot control when the cloud comes or goes, and the cloud always shows up to teach me something.

This was not an average year for me. I started over at a new job. No matter how seasoned I feel in my profession, starting over at a new place is always stressful. It is work to learn a new building, new culture, new procedures, new curriculum, and navigate new relationships. I’m very glad I chose this new job, but there is no getting around the learning curve of the first year. It added a pile onto my already full mental load. My two youngest entered middle school and both did cross country, track and travel soccer. My oldest had her last year of college and graduated in May and just moved into a new apartment to start her internship. Did I mention that there was a deadly school shooting on my daughter’s college campus not far from where she lived? Our family’s emotional needs were HIGH this year.

In an article in Psychology Today, the Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Reseach says that “In recent years, sociologists have attempted to study another aspect of women’s household workload: the mental work of keeping a family running. You can think of it as the brain power that goes into running a household such as remembering to stop for a gallon of milk on the way home, keeping track of the registration deadline for a kid’s activity, or supporting children’s emotional ups and downs.” (2021). We are learning that a majority of this work can fall to women in a married household. Well when you are the household because you are divorced, you get it all. The nature of my job is to be a caregiver of many children and their families, so the last part about supporting emotional ups and downs is multiplied many times over for me. I’d love to say that I check my job duties at the door but I do not, I cannot.

I have a few other special qualities that make the mental load of life feel like a Charlie Brown rain cloud at times. I am particularly sensitive to judgement, criticism, and negativity because of my trauma history. My brain is hard wired for protection and I have an uncanny ability to hear tone, remember words, and make connections between words and actions. If you comment on people’s larger bodies all the time in a negative way, I understand that you think less of me because my body is large. You don’t have to say it to me, I can feel it. If you have nothing nice to say around me, I will assume that you are unhappy with me and that I need to change something in our dynamic so that you will be more positive. My brain will always think it is my fault, my job and add it to my to do list: my mental load. I really have to be in a healthy space, be attuned to my body and very connected to myself to be able to interact in a healthy way with many people.

I am being tested soon to see if I have ADHD. This was not on my radar until this year when I started seeing a new therapist. She brought it up as a possibility and gave me a preliminary screener. I scored a 95% on the test and that mean I likely have a pretty good case of ADHD. This might mean that there is a medical reason for my inability to cope with my mental load at times. It is not a moral failure, it is a brain malfunction. I don’t know how to feel about this yet. I have so many feelings about it, but one of the biggest feelings is relief because on the top of my mental load to do list was always to figure out how to cope with my mental load. I was always failing. Turns out there may be good reason I fail and I might be able to cross that off my list soon.

Speaking of crossing things off the mental load list, I have been doing just that for the last few weeks. A talk with my therapist helped me understand that I can take steps to decrease my mental load just by looking around my home. Anything that I walk by and have to add it to my to do list can be adding to my mental load. I did not understand this at first so I made a list. I started in my closet. There were so many clothes hanging in there that required thought. Why did those jeans still have a tag on them? Oh right I was going to keep them in case I lost 10 lbs because then they might fit. That reminds me, I should lose 10 lbs. That reminds me I should get that treadmill set up in the basement so I can workout to try to fit in those jeans. That reminds me, you can’t just workout, you have to diet, do I have the right groceries to diet? You can see the mental load mountain building and that was just one pair of jeans.

The more I looked the more the mountain grew. I had craft projects I had been meaning to finish from 8 years ago. I had papers that hadn’t been filed or shredded in years. I had toys in the garage from when my children were little that they never played with anymore. When I thought about one single thing, say a craft project, it was a string that led to a deeper tangle every time. If I wanted to finish making a sign I had bought supplies for I had to get out the vinyl and the Cricut machine. I haven’t used the machine in a while and it needs a software update. Now they have changed how the program works and I have to relearn that. I don’t have enough of the vinyl color I wanted so I’ve got to run to the craft store. At the craft store I see they are having a yarn sale, that reminds me that I have that blanket to finish, what specific color of brown was that yarn? This looks close enough so I buy it, get it home and it is not the right color. Now I have two unfinished projects and yarn to take back, but who am I kidding, I won’t and I’ll just add it to the mountain of yarn I have that reminds me that I never have time to knit anymore.

Mountain of yarn

My mission for the last few weeks was to clear the things that take me down the rabbit hole of the mental load. I took papers to be shredded, I am renting a dumpster to throw away all the things that we do not need anymore. I am finishing jobs that can easily be finished and I am hiring people to do the ones that I do not have the skill or capacity to do myself. It has been so difficult but it feels so good. I feel the strings attached to all the things being cut as I throw out the root. Those jeans that took me down the rabbit hole are now at the resale shop waiting for a new owner. Why keep something that gives me two new jobs. If something doesn’t fit, I can get rid of it instead of giving myself the job of diet and exercise. I can choose to diet and exercise if I want to but I really don’t need another job right at the moment.

I’m cleaning up relationships also. I am taking time to untangle myself from other people. That means that I need to know if being around you feels good or if being around you adds to my mental load. If being around you makes me feel like I need to fix me, I need to figure out why. If being around you drains me or fills me, I need to figure out why. I’m cutting all those strings that lead me to mental load mountains and it is hard. It is lonely. It will be worth it. Sometimes it is as simple as just recognizing the mental load associated with that person. My children have an immense mental load and I gladly take it on (but do sometimes complain about it-hint: travel soccer) because they are my people. They bring joy and love along with their needs. My pets add to my load but they also bring me companionship and humor. I’ve heard that the secret to relationships is boundaries. Learning those is part of the mental load I am willing to take on because the end result will be peace.

The bottom line for me is that my cloud is shrinking. First I became aware of the cloud, then I talked about the cloud with people who could help me with it. Then I accepted the cloud, made friends with it almost. I had to sit in the rain and feel how it felt to be in it. Now I am learning what to do about the cloud and the rain. I’m changing what I can and that is all I can do. Someone just rang my doorbell and I answered it in my bathrobe at 2pm. It was a friend and her family just wanting to say hello. I’m sure I looked like I had been battling the rain cloud to them, because I had, but they were a little ray of sun that let me know that the clouds will clear, the sun will shine, and I can take control of my mental load so that it doesn’t control me.

Living In The Space Of "And"

Normally I live in a space of “but” and I’m learning to accept the “and”.

I have been unable to fathom getting on my computer to write a blog. Every time I would think about it I just told myself “but everything is so heavy right now, I can’t do it justice” and I would stop. I have been mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I had nothing to offer and felt insignificant in this moment.

The path of healing I am on has lead me to some amazing teachers and helpers. I have had several counselors, spiritual guides, mentors, and therapists through the years. Last year I had to say good bye to a spiritual guide that had helped me heal because that person became unsafe for me. That person was on a journey that I could no longer follow. It hurt to say goodbye but I had to.

I now have a woman therapist that is helping me continue on the healing and growing journey. The best and most important thing she has taught me is to live in the “and”. The idea of the “and” is that two things that are opposite or that seem to be at odds, can both be true at the same time. An example you might be able to relate to would be loving a person deeply (like a friend, parent, or child) and wanting to be away from them.

This is a normal feeling but I come from the world of “buts”. In my mind if I love someone then it is not an acceptable feeling to want to be away from them. It had to be one or the other. Either I loved them, or I wanted to be away from them and that meant I didn’t love them. Both things could not be true. So if I said “I love you but I want to be away from you” then my love was canceled out. Living this way produces guilt and shame.

Learning to live in the space of “and” and letting two things be true at once allows me to see how hard life is sometimes and allows me a chance to give myself grace. I feel compassion for myself when I can see how hard it is to feel love and want space. I think I picked a great time to start learning about the “and” space because I am getting plenty of practice.

The corona virus has given me so many opportunities to feel these feelings. In the beginning I was terrified of going anywhere and glad to be home with my family. I could be social distancing and longing for touch and connection. Wearing a mask made me feel safer and caused me to have panic attacks. Homeschooling was fun and maddening. I was so grateful to have so much time alone with my family and I was sick of them. I went on a fun vacation and felt like I was endangering myself, my family, and every person I came into contact with. My life slowed down and got busier than ever.

Using the word “and” instead of “but” is a simple enough thing but the affect on my mental state has been profound. I do not feel pitted against myself (well I do, hence the therapist needed, but I am able to come around) and the shame and guilt do not last as long. The internal battle that I used to have that only one thing could be true was really just a trap to keep me from allowing myself the grace to be human. Some call it perfectionism, but in my case, I think it was just a reason to punish myself for being human. If I allowed myself to enjoy a vacation, I could quick come in and say “but you endangered so many people” and it would sap me of my joy and return me to the all too familiar place of shame and judgement. I’m not saying I like to live in shame and judgement, but some things are like and old sweater. There is comfort in their oldness, their familiar fit to you. I am comfortable in the space of shame and judgement, I’ve lived there my whole life. Accepting my full human emotional capabilities is a new sweater, I don’t mind it, but it is not broken in and familiar like the old.

As I look at the world today, I am given so many areas in which I can practice my “and”. I can love the summer weather and be so sad and depressed that I don’t want to get out of bed to enjoy it. I can be so grateful that my city is taking steps to keep us safe from corona virus and miss the community pool so much that I want to stomp my feet and climb the fence when I walk by it. I can understand that social distancing can keep me and my family safe and know that sometimes if you don’t hug a person in the exact moment that they need it most, you are hurting them too. I can understand that children learn best in person and in the classroom and that classroom instruction may endanger their health and mine. I can want my college age daughter to return to her campus in the fall to live the full college experience and want her to stay here with me forever.

I can refuse to eat at a restaurant and march in the streets with thousands of others for Black Lives. This one was hard for me. I had been so careful to social distance and the stay in my family bubble. I would only order take out and cook at home because that is what felt safest. Then police killed George Floyd and when I watched that video and heard him cry for his life and call out for his mother, I knew that I had to be out there. I knew that I had to break my safe bubble to protect and stand for those that do not ever get a safe bubble like me. I social distanced at the march and I wore my mask and I walked alongside thousands of others standing up for human rights. In the past, I would be living in the shame of wanting to keep my family safe and healthy and breaking quarantine to march. New me is living in the space of grace. I can do both. There doesn’t have to be shame.

When I give myself permission to live in the “and” I get to experience the fullness of being a wonderful, complicated, flawed human being. I give myself the grace of being able to contradict myself. I allow myself to feel two things that are opposites and know that both can be true without shame and judgement and without one cancelling out the other. The side benefit of living in the “and” is that you start to see other people as complicated and contradictory too and you are able to extend the grace to them. You can see that one thing doesn’t cancel out the other and that people can be many things. This place makes it very difficult to judge others and allows understanding and compassion to grow.

I challenge you to replace some “buts” with some “ands” and see how that feels. I know it will feel weird at first but try it on anyway and see if you enjoy to benefit of being fully human, full of grace, and void of shame and judgement (if it pops up, tell it it can stay “and” that it can’t cancel out the grace).

Giving Joyfully

If not given in joy, is it even a gift?

I have spent many years in sessions and in recovery trying to find my inner child, trying to heal from past trauma, and trying to grow up. I have read books, listened to tapes, been in therapy, gone to meetings, and done a whole lot of journaling searching for her. I knew a lot of things in my head but they were not translating to my body and to my heart.

Recently, in sessions with a coach, I have been catching glimpses of my inner child. It sounds so silly to talk about myself like I am two different people, but it is true, I am. You are too. There is the part of you that you show the world (or you think you do) that is grown up. Grown ups get stuff done, they compromise, they are responsible, they take care of things, and they handle grown up stuff. I’m sure you all relate to that.

Your inner child is the part of you that resents those responsibilities, doesn’t want to do stuff, gets scared, wants her way, and pouts when she doesn’t. She might convince you to eat that whole bag of chips and stay up until 2 a.m. watching Hoarders not thinking about the fact that you have to get up for work the next day and fit into your work pants. She might convince you that you are always the victim and that people are so very mean and unfair all the time. She is a child, this is how she thinks (I’m speaking of my inner child here, but I’m sure yours is equally pouty and selfish).

My inner child is a stinker. That is how I thought of her. She was here to frustrate me and to distract me from sleep and convince me to do things that I would have to pay for later. She seemed hell bent on complicating my life and hurting my relationships. But I was supposed to find her, to love her, to heal her. So I would give in and stay up late, slack on responsibility, eat the ice cream, and not do the work. I would let her be mad and pout and throw fits. I was supposed to pay attention to her, right? I would give to her resentfully. I would give to her limitlessly. I would give to her without joy, but with reluctance and obligation.

If you are a parent or have ever been around children you know that they can see through you in an instant. They know when they are being appeased, they know when they are being lied to, and they know when you are telling them one thing but doing another. In other words, they see the truth and point it out to you. Have you ever heard a child call to their parents and say “watch me, watch me!” and the parent glances up for a second and then back at their phone? Children will not stand for this half attention. They will come and pester until they have your full attention. You cannot fool them with your half glance.

This is the dance my inner child and I have been doing for the last 16 years. I go around adulting all the time, looking important, acting busy, and getting stuff done. She yells “look at me, look at me!” and I glance up and then back at my important adulting. She knows I’m not really all there so she throws a fit. I am tired from adulting so I give in and hand control over to her. We end up on the couch at 2 a.m. watching crap television, eating junk food, neglecting relationships and responsibilities and running wild. I wake up the next day for my adulting and am angry that my inner child ran wild and free last night (my gift to her) and now I want to punish her, or ignore her, or just be resentful of her.

It is not working. It is like me giving my children the game “Hungry Hungry Hippos” because they want it and I want them to have it so they will be happy, but every time they play it I curse the game making gods for making such a loud and obnoxious toy that disturbs me to my soul and walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a curse on my lips every time they play it. This will end badly for all. It was not a gift joyfully given.

If you haven’t realized by know, I’ve been in a lot of turmoil. I couldn’t figure out how to do what I knew I should be doing, loving my inner child, loving the part of me that pouts and is loud, and makes less than responsible choices, and that needs and wants things from me, that I cannot figure out how to give without resentment. So I’ve been asking for help.

The help comes in the form of a coach/therapist that I see twice a week. We do a lot of getting quiet. Listening. Feeling. Making it safe for my inner child to show up and let me know and feel her. If you have never done any of this work, or seen a coach or therapist, this may sound a little ridiculous or cheesy. The best way that I can explain it is like when you are out in nature and you want to see wildlife. Maybe a bird or a deer or a chipmunk. You cannot just burst into the woods and demand that nature show up for you. You have to sit, get quiet, create space, become safe to the animals before they will show up and allow themselves to be in your presence. I have to create a safe, calm space where my inner child can emerge and do her thing, while I watch and observe.

The more quiet and calm and safe I got, the more she showed me. What I learned is that she is deeply, deeply hurt. She is lonely beyond belief, and she feels the burden of adult responsibilities and trauma like a yoke around her neck. She wants to be held and comforted but doesn’t trust anyone to do it. She knows too well that it will be seen as weakness and used against her, probably by me. It took great energy to sit in these feelings without justifying my behaviors, without judging myself, and without trying to tell her it couldn’t be as bad as she thinks. We do this to children. We don’t want to witness their pain, especially if it comes from us, so we minimize their feelings. I didn’t want to face her and her pain, but with help, I did.

The longer I could sit and not judge or minimize or punish her for having her feelings and her pain, the more she trusted me and came forward. I started to get a picture of who she was and I really liked her. In fact I loved her. She was wild, honest, funny, stubborn, feisty, and loving. I started to see her as someone I needed to honor and protect, not repress or let run wild with no adult supervision. I started wanting other people to meet her, so I would allow her to be seen in protected, safe spaces with people I trusted with her. Sometimes it didn’t work out so well and I had to decide how I was going to protect her and not allow my frustration at not being seen or accepted to push her down or deny her. Just like parenting, it has been joyfully exhausting.

Enter the kitten.

We were camping at a friend’s property and there was an abandoned barn kitten. This was a tiny kitten that would not make it on her own if left. My inner child screamed at me to take it home. I ignored her. I told her that there were allergies in the house, it was horrible timing, people might get mad at the intrusion and inconvenience. I left without the kitten. I broke my inner child’s heart.

I went home and did some real work at sensing my inner child, and my inner critical parent. The critical parent in me judged my inner child as silly and selfish for wanting that kitten. Didn’t she know that our husband was allergic, we had a dog who had never been around cats but chased anything that moved in the yard, we had a graduation party to put on and no time for feeding a sick baby kitten? I had to squash the idea. I had to break her heart. How could I be so inconvenienced by her?

Then while sitting with her, I decided to put aside all my judgments and all my excuses and just listen to her heart. She needed me to prove to her that I could give to her in a joyful way just because she was worth it. She NEEDED that from me, because I had never demonstrated that to her before. I had given to her, yes, resentfully, full of judgement and punishment after the fact. She needed to be listened to. Her heart full of love and compassion needed to be seen, validated, and supported in a loving, joyful way.

I expressed this to my husband and we agreed that I would go get the kitten and give her a chance at life. I picked her up on a rainy night just before the busiest week of my life. My adult responsibilities were to wrap up my work for the school year, bake for end of year parties for my children, finish all work to put on a graduation party, finish the soccer season and baseball season and track season for my own children, host out of town guests, attend my therapy sessions, etc. How could I give this to her? It was ridiculous.

Pursuing someone’s heart makes you do ridiculous things. And you don’t care that they are ridiculous. You just want to show that person that you love them so much that you would do ANYTHING for them. It doesn’t matter if it is ridiculous, or convenient, really difficult, you do it. You do it joyfully and with great enthusiasm. I wanted to give my inner child something she had never had, a big giant sign of love with no strings attached. No punishment or payment to be collected later. Not this time. This gift was free, given out of pure love.

I had to decide (adult me) to NEVER burden my inner child with my hardships over this decision. Was I tired at 1 a.m. when I was feeding the kitten, you betcha. Was I stressed trying to figure out how I was going to fit in the feedings and snuggles every three hours when I had to be at work and soccer and baseball, you betcha. Was I annoyed and frustrated when others were judgmental and vocal about my decision to take in the cat, 100%. But I handled it. I did not once take my frustrations out on my inner child. I remembered my commitment to give her this experience of rescuing a baby kitten and nursing it to health with great joy and no punishment.

I allowed her, and still allow her to fully enjoy every moment she has with this darling kitten. The wonder at every movement and milestone, to celebrate each new thing. I allow her to fall asleep when she snuggles with her kitten, and I allow her to play. I close her ears to the judgement of others and remind her that I am fully on board and am enjoying her delight every minute of the day. She trusts me too much now for me to destroy it. I could not be happier than when I am allowing her to come forth without fear and love on that kitten.

The result has been that my own children are able to come forth and love this kitten (and of course our dog Beans too) with great joy and wholeheartedness. The giggles and squeals abound and our home is joyful like it has not been in a while. We are unapologetically in love with this kitten. We are open heartedly loving her with everything we have, even knowing that we cannot keep her forever. We are not holding back and it is beautiful.

There are some things that you cannot learn unless you do them. I’m so glad I decided to stop trying to learn about my inner child and just decided to meet her and love her and give to her, in a real way, what she has always needed from me. She has needed action, protection, love and appreciation. She has needed me to see her big, wild, beautiful heart and to let her express it while I protect her from judgement.

There was no way to learn this without jumping in and doing it. It has been difficult to keep my judgmental, fearful, and wounded self in check so that I do not bring my adult problems to my inner child. But with help, I have done it. And I think my life just changed 100% for the better because of it.

This little kitten was a gift, given joyfully from God (or the Universe) to me. I have taken it and given it joyfully to my inner child and in return, the experience has joyfully blessed my home. Our hearts may break when it is time for her to leave us, but it is only because they are so beautifully open to our love for her right now. It is the only way to love and give, joyfully with an open heart.

Joy to you my friends. May you have the courage to love something completely without holding back.

This is Smokey. I had to take her everywhere with me in the beginning. She was in my car and I looked over and she had her face up in the sun like this. My heart melted knowing I had given her that gift and in return, I felt the sun shining down on my face too, and giggled at the pure joy and warmth of it.

Yes, I Marched On the Anniversary of the Women's March

No, I don't need to explain to you why. 

On the anniversary of the Women's March, I was not in my home town. I was not able to march with my people and I was a little bummed about it. I happened to be in another state, and a relative reached out and asked me if I wanted to march at their state capitol. I wasn't sure if I would make it because I was unsure of my schedule, but it worked out that I was free. I packed up the kids and went. 

I haven't had a chance to post about it but I have been reading the online comments left by people responding to news articles in my hometown about our local march. Here is what I noticed...people are demanding to know why we are marching. They are demanding that we explain ourselves. They are attacking women for their language choices, their outfit choices, and for bringing their husbands or children along. And I also notice that people seem to think that their opinions and judgments matter to the women who marched. 

Here's the thing...we aren't asking for permission to march. We aren't asking for your approval, your opinion or your thoughts. I personally don't care what you think of my marching. I could care less if you like the words I choose or the sign I hold. I don't need your permission to have an opinion and I don't need your agreement with my views. 

Last year, I felt differently. It was my first march, my first protest or demonstration as an adult woman and I was nervous. I wan't so sure of myself. I wanted everyone to know why and I wanted their approval. I had just started letting some of my opinions be known. I had just started writing online. I had just started to wonder what it was I did and didn't agree with instead of just going with the flow to keep the peace all the time. 

A lot has happened in a year. I've come to realize that I don't have to please anyone but me. I don't have to explain my thoughts, feelings, or actions to anyone. The only person that I had to please and explain myself to was myself. So no, dude on twitter, I don't need your opinion on my views. You can give them, it is public, but I'm not going to take them to heart. You see, what I've learned this year is that I'm pretty good at judging what is good for me, what I need to do, when I need to fight, what I will allow, and what I will speak out against. And the kicker, I don't have to ask ANYONE else what they think of that. 

Now, some of you, especially the men reading this, will probably say "DUH!" of course you don't need permission from anyone. This is not the experience I have had growing up as a woman in my world. Everyone thought they could exert control over me, my thoughts, my decisions, my time, my beliefs, etc. That has been my experience. I was taught by experience to sacrifice what I wanted and needed to please others. I was taught to be small and quiet and agreeable to be liked and loved and accepted. Was it right? No. But it was my experience. 

So doing it differently is an act of courage and bravery for me. I am breaking an old pattern, I am forging a new path, and it feels amazing and freeing to say, "I don't care one bit what you think of my decisions, beliefs, and choices." and to mean it. I didn't ask and I don't need to know. As always, you can share, after all, this is public. Just know that I am a whole, strong, confident woman who decides for herself what is right for her. 

Driving myself, and my children downtown to a capitol of an unfamiliar city and joining a march for something I believe in was an act of bravery. I did share my beliefs and thoughts with my children in the most truthful way that they could understand. And truth be told, I didn't even have to do that. Because I know that what my children and I experienced that day was an act of love. It was an act of community and an act of bravery that one can feel without explanation. Walking peacefully among so many different types of people, singing, yelling words of love, compassion, acceptance, and empathy was an experience of relationship with others, strangers in fact. But it was intimate. It was powerful. It was truthful. My children saw so many different people, dressed differently or hardly dressed at all, different colors, religions, ethnic groups, sexual orientations, native American women in traditional dress, burning sage, singing, and banging a drum, and not once were they scared. Not once did they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Bored, maybe (they wanted ice cream-they are six) but never uncomfortable. Accepted. Strangers in a strange town, marching among strangers and we felt loved. 

I am beyond grateful for the experience and for the woman who reached out to welcome me into this experience. I am beyond grateful that I don't need to justify my reasons or my beliefs or my opinions so that people will find me acceptable to them. I'm beyond grateful for my children to have experienced such an uplifting, brave, community event. I feel empowered and I feel powerful. If you have had a similar experience of community, or bravery, or self-empowerment, tell me about it in the comments, I'd love to know about it.