If not given in joy, is it even a gift?
I have spent many years in sessions and in recovery trying to find my inner child, trying to heal from past trauma, and trying to grow up. I have read books, listened to tapes, been in therapy, gone to meetings, and done a whole lot of journaling searching for her. I knew a lot of things in my head but they were not translating to my body and to my heart.
Recently, in sessions with a coach, I have been catching glimpses of my inner child. It sounds so silly to talk about myself like I am two different people, but it is true, I am. You are too. There is the part of you that you show the world (or you think you do) that is grown up. Grown ups get stuff done, they compromise, they are responsible, they take care of things, and they handle grown up stuff. I’m sure you all relate to that.
Your inner child is the part of you that resents those responsibilities, doesn’t want to do stuff, gets scared, wants her way, and pouts when she doesn’t. She might convince you to eat that whole bag of chips and stay up until 2 a.m. watching Hoarders not thinking about the fact that you have to get up for work the next day and fit into your work pants. She might convince you that you are always the victim and that people are so very mean and unfair all the time. She is a child, this is how she thinks (I’m speaking of my inner child here, but I’m sure yours is equally pouty and selfish).
My inner child is a stinker. That is how I thought of her. She was here to frustrate me and to distract me from sleep and convince me to do things that I would have to pay for later. She seemed hell bent on complicating my life and hurting my relationships. But I was supposed to find her, to love her, to heal her. So I would give in and stay up late, slack on responsibility, eat the ice cream, and not do the work. I would let her be mad and pout and throw fits. I was supposed to pay attention to her, right? I would give to her resentfully. I would give to her limitlessly. I would give to her without joy, but with reluctance and obligation.
If you are a parent or have ever been around children you know that they can see through you in an instant. They know when they are being appeased, they know when they are being lied to, and they know when you are telling them one thing but doing another. In other words, they see the truth and point it out to you. Have you ever heard a child call to their parents and say “watch me, watch me!” and the parent glances up for a second and then back at their phone? Children will not stand for this half attention. They will come and pester until they have your full attention. You cannot fool them with your half glance.
This is the dance my inner child and I have been doing for the last 16 years. I go around adulting all the time, looking important, acting busy, and getting stuff done. She yells “look at me, look at me!” and I glance up and then back at my important adulting. She knows I’m not really all there so she throws a fit. I am tired from adulting so I give in and hand control over to her. We end up on the couch at 2 a.m. watching crap television, eating junk food, neglecting relationships and responsibilities and running wild. I wake up the next day for my adulting and am angry that my inner child ran wild and free last night (my gift to her) and now I want to punish her, or ignore her, or just be resentful of her.
It is not working. It is like me giving my children the game “Hungry Hungry Hippos” because they want it and I want them to have it so they will be happy, but every time they play it I curse the game making gods for making such a loud and obnoxious toy that disturbs me to my soul and walk around with a chip on my shoulder and a curse on my lips every time they play it. This will end badly for all. It was not a gift joyfully given.
If you haven’t realized by know, I’ve been in a lot of turmoil. I couldn’t figure out how to do what I knew I should be doing, loving my inner child, loving the part of me that pouts and is loud, and makes less than responsible choices, and that needs and wants things from me, that I cannot figure out how to give without resentment. So I’ve been asking for help.
The help comes in the form of a coach/therapist that I see twice a week. We do a lot of getting quiet. Listening. Feeling. Making it safe for my inner child to show up and let me know and feel her. If you have never done any of this work, or seen a coach or therapist, this may sound a little ridiculous or cheesy. The best way that I can explain it is like when you are out in nature and you want to see wildlife. Maybe a bird or a deer or a chipmunk. You cannot just burst into the woods and demand that nature show up for you. You have to sit, get quiet, create space, become safe to the animals before they will show up and allow themselves to be in your presence. I have to create a safe, calm space where my inner child can emerge and do her thing, while I watch and observe.
The more quiet and calm and safe I got, the more she showed me. What I learned is that she is deeply, deeply hurt. She is lonely beyond belief, and she feels the burden of adult responsibilities and trauma like a yoke around her neck. She wants to be held and comforted but doesn’t trust anyone to do it. She knows too well that it will be seen as weakness and used against her, probably by me. It took great energy to sit in these feelings without justifying my behaviors, without judging myself, and without trying to tell her it couldn’t be as bad as she thinks. We do this to children. We don’t want to witness their pain, especially if it comes from us, so we minimize their feelings. I didn’t want to face her and her pain, but with help, I did.
The longer I could sit and not judge or minimize or punish her for having her feelings and her pain, the more she trusted me and came forward. I started to get a picture of who she was and I really liked her. In fact I loved her. She was wild, honest, funny, stubborn, feisty, and loving. I started to see her as someone I needed to honor and protect, not repress or let run wild with no adult supervision. I started wanting other people to meet her, so I would allow her to be seen in protected, safe spaces with people I trusted with her. Sometimes it didn’t work out so well and I had to decide how I was going to protect her and not allow my frustration at not being seen or accepted to push her down or deny her. Just like parenting, it has been joyfully exhausting.
Enter the kitten.
We were camping at a friend’s property and there was an abandoned barn kitten. This was a tiny kitten that would not make it on her own if left. My inner child screamed at me to take it home. I ignored her. I told her that there were allergies in the house, it was horrible timing, people might get mad at the intrusion and inconvenience. I left without the kitten. I broke my inner child’s heart.
I went home and did some real work at sensing my inner child, and my inner critical parent. The critical parent in me judged my inner child as silly and selfish for wanting that kitten. Didn’t she know that our husband was allergic, we had a dog who had never been around cats but chased anything that moved in the yard, we had a graduation party to put on and no time for feeding a sick baby kitten? I had to squash the idea. I had to break her heart. How could I be so inconvenienced by her?
Then while sitting with her, I decided to put aside all my judgments and all my excuses and just listen to her heart. She needed me to prove to her that I could give to her in a joyful way just because she was worth it. She NEEDED that from me, because I had never demonstrated that to her before. I had given to her, yes, resentfully, full of judgement and punishment after the fact. She needed to be listened to. Her heart full of love and compassion needed to be seen, validated, and supported in a loving, joyful way.
I expressed this to my husband and we agreed that I would go get the kitten and give her a chance at life. I picked her up on a rainy night just before the busiest week of my life. My adult responsibilities were to wrap up my work for the school year, bake for end of year parties for my children, finish all work to put on a graduation party, finish the soccer season and baseball season and track season for my own children, host out of town guests, attend my therapy sessions, etc. How could I give this to her? It was ridiculous.
Pursuing someone’s heart makes you do ridiculous things. And you don’t care that they are ridiculous. You just want to show that person that you love them so much that you would do ANYTHING for them. It doesn’t matter if it is ridiculous, or convenient, really difficult, you do it. You do it joyfully and with great enthusiasm. I wanted to give my inner child something she had never had, a big giant sign of love with no strings attached. No punishment or payment to be collected later. Not this time. This gift was free, given out of pure love.
I had to decide (adult me) to NEVER burden my inner child with my hardships over this decision. Was I tired at 1 a.m. when I was feeding the kitten, you betcha. Was I stressed trying to figure out how I was going to fit in the feedings and snuggles every three hours when I had to be at work and soccer and baseball, you betcha. Was I annoyed and frustrated when others were judgmental and vocal about my decision to take in the cat, 100%. But I handled it. I did not once take my frustrations out on my inner child. I remembered my commitment to give her this experience of rescuing a baby kitten and nursing it to health with great joy and no punishment.
I allowed her, and still allow her to fully enjoy every moment she has with this darling kitten. The wonder at every movement and milestone, to celebrate each new thing. I allow her to fall asleep when she snuggles with her kitten, and I allow her to play. I close her ears to the judgement of others and remind her that I am fully on board and am enjoying her delight every minute of the day. She trusts me too much now for me to destroy it. I could not be happier than when I am allowing her to come forth without fear and love on that kitten.
The result has been that my own children are able to come forth and love this kitten (and of course our dog Beans too) with great joy and wholeheartedness. The giggles and squeals abound and our home is joyful like it has not been in a while. We are unapologetically in love with this kitten. We are open heartedly loving her with everything we have, even knowing that we cannot keep her forever. We are not holding back and it is beautiful.
There are some things that you cannot learn unless you do them. I’m so glad I decided to stop trying to learn about my inner child and just decided to meet her and love her and give to her, in a real way, what she has always needed from me. She has needed action, protection, love and appreciation. She has needed me to see her big, wild, beautiful heart and to let her express it while I protect her from judgement.
There was no way to learn this without jumping in and doing it. It has been difficult to keep my judgmental, fearful, and wounded self in check so that I do not bring my adult problems to my inner child. But with help, I have done it. And I think my life just changed 100% for the better because of it.
This little kitten was a gift, given joyfully from God (or the Universe) to me. I have taken it and given it joyfully to my inner child and in return, the experience has joyfully blessed my home. Our hearts may break when it is time for her to leave us, but it is only because they are so beautifully open to our love for her right now. It is the only way to love and give, joyfully with an open heart.
Joy to you my friends. May you have the courage to love something completely without holding back.
